Disturbia

it happened a few weeks ago

I was out for a friend's birthday. It was a friend who used to work at our office, so naturally a small crew from the office were there - all friends of mine. There's one friend in particular who is possibly the funniest person in the world. and male. ever so vaguely male.

you see now I'm just being mean... he's lovely... but he's hardly the type I'd go for - no broad shoulders, deep voice, extroverted behaviour... or any of the other alpha-male tendencies to which I'm usually attracted

He's very short, quite bald, has crooked teeth I think... and more than likely has back hair due to his Greek heritage.

but he's the funniest man in the world

the most clever, quickest, driest wit you've ever experienced

I have a weakness for that. I know because I dated it last year - a friend's flatmate - hardly beaten with the ugly stick, but hardly a shining beacon of masculinity... he was another IT geek and very very funny. Me and my friend both agreed he liked me but I never thought he'd ever make a move and I was somewhat thrown by my attraction to him. This didn't stop me inviting him out for an after work drink so we could both whinge about the respective horrors of our jobs.

he kissed me then.

then he also felt me up - publicly and entirely embarrassingly - hands up my skirt like a drunken 14 year old in a (thankfully) empty bar with the ever-so-smooth 'what! no one's looking...'

I love the inappropriate. I revel in it. I think turning up to a second date wearing a tshirt that says 'you wanna break up in 3 months?' is great. There are very few things I'm going to think it inappropriate to ask someone on a first date or any other time. Asking me how I choose to maintain my bikini line.. is, however, one of them. As soon as this guy kissed me he just turned weird. It was like he was mystified that he'd been able to kiss a girl and not get slapped for it - so he just went for broke. He asked me something SO ridiculous, SO grossly inapproriate, that - tactful lass that I am - I just burst out in my most incredulous voice with

'have you EVER had a girlfriend!?'

it was seriously *the* stupidest, most insane thing to ever ask a girl whom you liked.

so crazy and so idiotic that I honestly, seriously, have no idea what it was he said. It must've been so traumatic that I've blocked it. I can however remember how strongly and uncontrollably I reacted to it - and how he paused, looked sideways uncomfortably and answered... 'well, um, a serious, I mean a proper, girlfriend, no'

he was 31

I'm ashamed to admit I dated him a few more times after that - giving him a couple more chances to be normal... but no joy. When I rang him late one night and asked him nicely and calmly if we could just be friends, he said no. Yup... no. Told me that wasn't how it worked. Went on and on about how friends, well friends had to earn his friendship over a long time and I just didn't qualify. Then he told me we couldn't be friends after dating, that wasn't how it worked. I told him (nicelyI swear) that my two exes were two of my best friends, but if he couldn't handle it that was fine. He got very agitated at the idea of not being able to handle it. He then proceeded with a monologue about how relationships worked.

I must've been in the mellowest mood of my life. There I was, listening to his view of how relationships worked, perfectly aware that he'd never actually been in one, yet I stayed quiet, just told him I enjoyed his company more than most and would like to be friends with him.

if I could only be that calm all the time

anyways, I digress. massively. sorry about that - that was the long way of me saying that I now have a tiny phobia about dating IT geeks. his fault.

I also believe very strongly in the don't-screw-the-crew mantra

So in summation; no body of adonis, IT geek, works at my office, is part of my crew of friends. I should not be touching this man with a 10 foot pole...

but we were out, at a club, for a birthday, we were drunk. So drunk that memories become hazy but I distinctly rember dancing with him, just him, arms attached to eachother but decently (no dirty dancing thank god) and I remember him bolding taking hold of my hips and pulling me to him. Not offensive or seedy, but surprisingly confidently... sexy even

and I remember telling ex-workmate that I'd decided to take him home. yup. just decided to.

Thank god she's a real snob about boys and turned to me and said

are you serious?
why?
no! he's ugly
no! If you want to take someone home I will find you a better guy in seconds

she loves short-adorable-balding-boy and thinks he's hilarious too... but thankfully she saw it for it what it was - the oddest, most bizarre drunken idea. I was convinced he would be decent enough to keep it secret and I could therefore escape office gossip... but as it was the small work crew there were already questioning what was going on after seeing us merely dancing together. Leaving together would've been the end of it.

Disturbed

had to send ex-workmate a text the next day thanking her for stopping me from doing something insanely stupid. She replied it was no worries. My main worry was that she would tell someone - anyone - what I'd said. Ex-workmate is the biggest gossip I know. But she's been brilliant (so far)

Monday at work short-adorable-balding-boy emailed me asking if I woke up as hungover as he did. I replied I was, and that my memory got very hazy towards the end of the night. Brilliant exchange of emails that. Phew. We've since become facebook friends and trade incredibly hilariously witty (on his side at least) emails sometimes when we're bored at work.

but I'm still disturbed - this is exactly how it started with the other funny IT geek.